Scrambled video.

Alternative History of the Beatles

What Could The Beatles Have Really Accomplished?

In an alternate universe, The Beatles could have been more than just some band that Paul McCartney was in before he married Linda Kodak and joined Wings.

George Harrison.

George Harrison of the Beatles, the first Trappist monk in space.

From: "nu-monet v9.0" <>
Organization: Jumping Iguana Industries, Ltd.
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Alternative History of the Beatles
Date: Sat, 16 Feb 2008 11:22:05 -0700

March 1969. After reviewing his contractural obligations to the group, John Lennon decides to remain with The Beatles, and the group seeks outside counseling to resolve their differences. He also divorces Yoko Ono and ends their artistic collaboration. Ono returns to Japan and remains in seclusion until her suicide seven years later.

July 1969. All four of The Beatles complete and publish a solo album each, which recieve tepid and unenthusiastic reviews. They agree that in the future, they will restrict their efforts to group projects.

December 1969. The Beatles agree to perform with the Rolling Stones at the Altamont Free Concert, despite mutual misgivings between the groups, which almost force its cancellation when The Beatles reject the planned use of the Hells Angels as security, and hire professional security personnel. The concert is such a success, however, that it becomes a semi- permanent venue for concert performances for different groups for the next four years.

February 1971. The band Badfinger is in a tragic airplane crash. The only survivor is the band's drummer, who loses both arms in the crash.

April 1973. After releasing two poorly received albums, The Beatles release their final hit, "The Concert for Richard Nixon" album, in gratitude for his ending of the Vietnam War with the signing of the Paris Peace accords. Nixon later credits the concert with raising his morale and popularity so much that he decided to remain in office despite the Watergate scandal, and successfully completes his term with a Republican majority in congress.

September 1975. The Beatles officially retire as performers, and work as a production team to promote and produce new artists. What followed are a string of forgettable pop acts and folk balladeers, few of which even entered the top 40 singles charts. They decide to dissolve their corporation.

March 1977. John Lennon becomes an icon of the newly formed neo-Nazi movement in the United States. By this time, Paul McCartney had been impoverished by a string of poor and high risk business decisions. Despite his earlier misgivings, George Harrison continues in his search for a relevant religion, eventually joining the Trappist religious order as a monk.

December 1980. John Lennon narrowly survives an assassination attempt while speaking at a Stormfront rally, to celebrate his election as Governor of New Hampshire on the American White People's Party ticket. Tragically, he dies almost a year later during another assassination attempt, but this time on the life of President Ronald Reagan, who Lennon had been lobbying to invade Cuba and overthrow Castro.

May 1982. Ringo Starr reinvents and popularizes the caveman movie genre with his movie "Caveman". It sweeps the Oscars the next year, Starr accepting each award with his wife and co-star Dolly Parton.

May 1984. George Harrison receives a papal blessing to break his vow of silence, and records a smash single, as "The Singing Monk", credited with bringing large numbers of new converts to the Catholic church.

June 1985. Paul McCartney, now homeless and destitute, is stabbed to death by an unknown woman with an artificial leg. It is discovered at autopsy that he had advanced colon cancer and only weeks to live at the time.

October 1987. George Harrison becomes "The first Beatle in Space", as well as the first Trappist monk in space, spending six months aboard the Soyuz spacecraft, in order to test his theories of zero gravity crystalline structure formation. He dies during reentry, when his spaceship is hit by an unknown object.

January 1996. Ringo Starr dies of a heart attack on stage while performing at George Burns 100th birthday show in Las Vegas, despite heroic efforts by Burns at artificial resuscitation. Burns later marries Dolly Parton, and they have four children over the next 10 years.

February 2000. The Rolling Stones continue to perform.

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