Alternative History of the Beatles
What Could The Beatles Have Really Accomplished?
In an alternate universe, The Beatles could have been more than just some band that Paul McCartney was in before he married Linda Kodak and joined Wings.
George Harrison of the Beatles, the first Trappist monk in space.
From: "nu-monet v9.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Organization: Jumping Iguana Industries, Ltd.
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Alternative History of the Beatles
Date: Sat, 16 Feb 2008 11:22:05 -0700
March 1969. After reviewing his contractural
obligations to the group, John Lennon decides to
remain with The Beatles, and the group seeks outside
counseling to resolve their differences. He also
divorces Yoko Ono and ends their artistic
collaboration. Ono returns to Japan and remains
in seclusion until her suicide seven years later.
July 1969. All four of The Beatles complete and
publish a solo album each, which recieve tepid and
unenthusiastic reviews. They agree that in the
future, they will restrict their efforts to group
projects.
December 1969. The Beatles agree to perform with
the Rolling Stones at the Altamont Free Concert,
despite mutual misgivings between the groups, which
almost force its cancellation when The Beatles reject
the planned use of the Hells Angels as security, and
hire professional security personnel. The concert is
such a success, however, that it becomes a semi-
permanent venue for concert performances for different
groups for the next four years.
February 1971. The band Badfinger is in a tragic
airplane crash. The only survivor is the band's
drummer, who loses both arms in the crash.
April 1973. After releasing two poorly received albums,
The Beatles release their final hit, "The Concert for
Richard Nixon" album, in gratitude for his ending of
the Vietnam War with the signing of the Paris Peace
accords. Nixon later credits the concert with raising
his morale and popularity so much that he decided to
remain in office despite the Watergate scandal, and
successfully completes his term with a Republican
majority in congress.
September 1975. The Beatles officially retire as
performers, and work as a production team to promote
and produce new artists. What followed are a string
of forgettable pop acts and folk balladeers, few of
which even entered the top 40 singles charts. They
decide to dissolve their corporation.
March 1977. John Lennon becomes an icon of the newly
formed neo-Nazi movement in the United States. By this
time, Paul McCartney had been impoverished by a string
of poor and high risk business decisions. Despite his
earlier misgivings, George Harrison continues in his
search for a relevant religion, eventually joining the
Trappist religious order as a monk.
December 1980. John Lennon narrowly survives an
assassination attempt while speaking at a Stormfront
rally, to celebrate his election as Governor of New
Hampshire on the American White People's Party ticket.
Tragically, he dies almost a year later during another
assassination attempt, but this time on the life of
President Ronald Reagan, who Lennon had been lobbying
to invade Cuba and overthrow Castro.
May 1982. Ringo Starr reinvents and popularizes the
caveman movie genre with his movie "Caveman". It sweeps
the Oscars the next year, Starr accepting each award with
his wife and co-star Dolly Parton.
May 1984. George Harrison receives a papal blessing to
break his vow of silence, and records a smash single, as
"The Singing Monk", credited with bringing large numbers
of new converts to the Catholic church.
June 1985. Paul McCartney, now homeless and destitute,
is stabbed to death by an unknown woman with an artificial
leg. It is discovered at autopsy that he had advanced
colon cancer and only weeks to live at the time.
October 1987. George Harrison becomes "The first Beatle
in Space", as well as the first Trappist monk in space,
spending six months aboard the Soyuz spacecraft, in order
to test his theories of zero gravity crystalline structure
formation. He dies during reentry, when his spaceship is
hit by an unknown object.
January 1996. Ringo Starr dies of a heart attack on stage
while performing at George Burns 100th birthday show in
Las Vegas, despite heroic efforts by Burns at artificial
resuscitation. Burns later marries Dolly Parton, and they
have four children over the next 10 years.
February 2000. The Rolling Stones continue to perform.
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