Pen used to write brilliant movie pitches.

Puns are the Lowest Form of Humor

Movie Pitches

Most of the movie pitches in the collection on other pages are based on bad puns, or at least on little more than an especially absurd title. But these are worse than the rest.

SECTS IN THE CITY [TV police drama]

When the NYPD Division of Religious Outreach was formed during the civil rights movements of the 1960's, it was derided as "The God Squad". But now the NYPD DRO has their hands full. Staffed with colorful specialists with Talmudic wisdom, the DRO handles the unusual cases where religion plays a central role.

In the pilot episode, "Leviticus", a Queens man's behavior was initially nothing more than quirky. His literal interpretation of the Old Testament has led to his loud demands that female store clerks tell him whether they are menstruating, so he can avoid the ritual uncleanliness resulting from any form of interaction with them. Is he any more than just another obnoxious customer in the neighborhood bodegas?

Still from the movie 'Sects In The City'

But now he has precisely followed the specifications in the Old Testament to build a sacrificial altar in his small backyard. While the odor it sends up may be pleasing to the Lord, it definitely is not pleasing to anyone in his neighborhood.

And when pets go missing, the DRO is called to the scene.

That's SECTS IN THE CITY, premiering right after COPTS, featuring the men and women of Egypt's Christian minority.

Still from the movie 'Sects In The City'


A backwoods couple become bartenders at a Caribbean resort.

"Cocktail" meets "The Beverly Hillbillies"!

This assumes some awareness of Ma and Pa Kettle....

MACK O'VALLEY [comedy]

The story of a used car salesman who decides it is better to be feared than to be loved.

YOUTH IN ASIA [comedy]

Two young slackers (think "Dude, Where's My Car?" or "Harold and Kumar") are getting drunk (or stoned, depending on target MPAA rating) one night while watching a documentary on a Cambodian children's charity supported by the oh-so-hot Angelina Jolie.

Thinking that a charity helping Asian children would be a vehicle to meeting the hot women of their dreams, they dream up "Youth in Asia".

Imagine their befuddlement when the only people interested in their cause are some grim Dutchmen and members of the Kevorkian League!

After some misadventures involving the local nursing home, our heroes meet some dedicated, if clueless, hotties.

A REPTILE DYSFUNCTION [suspense / science fiction]

Still from the movie 'Reptile Dysfunction'

A trend toward increasing mutation rates in reptiles and amphibians has been observed for several years now. So far it has largely been blamed on agricultural runoff: herbicides and pesticides.

But now it appears that increasingly convincing spam e-mail is leading to vast increases in the consumption of medications promising increased sexual prowess. Given the promised amazingly high effectiveness of these drugs, even the miniscule amounts excreted through urine and passed through the sewage treatment system might have some unexpected effect on the environment.

Recent reports suggest attacks by sexually aggressive alligators. Could it be A REPTILE DYSFUNCTION?

See, for example, the 12 January 2009 article in New Scientist, listing the 11 most frequently detected compounds in U.S. drinking water:
"Atenolol, a beta-blocker used to treat cardiovascular disease
Atrazine, an organic herbicide banned in the European Union, but still used in the US, which has been implicated in the decline of fish stocks and in changes in animal behaviour
Carbamazepine, a mood-stabilising drug used to treat bipolar disorder, amongst other things
Estrone, an oestrogen hormone secreted by the ovaries and blamed for causing gender-bending changes in fish
Gemfibrozil, an anti-cholesterol drug
Meprobamate, a tranquiliser widely used in psychiatric treatment
Naproxen, a painkiller and anti-inflammatory linked to increases in asthma incidence
Phenytoin, an anticonvulsant that has been used to treat epilepsy
Sulfamethoxazole, an antibiotic used against the Streptococcus bacteria, which is responsible for tonsillitis and other diseases
TCEP, a reducing agent used in molecular biology
Trimethoprim, another antibiotic"

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